Reflection of my Younger Self

Something that has been sticking with me the last couple weeks, has been about the difference in personality I’ve experienced throughout my life so far.

I’ve also been considering how I view the world vs. how the world sees me. More specifically, places I’ve lived and grown up. The last times I’ve been to my old hometown of Bluebell, (which yes, I consider my hometown explanation is included) it has had a huge impact on my perspective.

I realize its very different moving away from somewhere vs having someone move away.

Leaving Bluebell was very difficult for me, I loved that town. I considered it home for so many years, even while in The Netherlands, Bluebell was still a place I never really imagined that I would never return to. It was always on my mind as something never to be replaced, a true form of home and self.  I remembered everyone just as clearly as when I lived there. I gave consideration that these people grew and progressed just as I would be and had. However the feelings, opinions and thoughts, I’ve had of all these people had never changed. I held everyone in Bluebell in such high regard for so long. I never considered that their feelings toward me (and my family?) would change.

Every time I go back to bluebell its for those few that I grew up with and still love more now than I ever have. However in such a small town it’s inevitable not to run into people you know. These experiences have been somewhat heartbreaking. People I remember laughing and spending time with my family. I’ve gotten strange looks, and felt like there was a intentional barrier placed there immediately in regard to me. I don’t know where it’s come from, or why it’s there. Or if it Simply might just be the difference between moving away and having someone move away.

People I went to school with for half my life, who I saw every single day, and always remembered as awesome people, or considered friends. Refuse to acknowledge they know me.

At this time I feel like I should address the fact that I was a WEIRD kid. I was a WEIRD child. I had an extremely active imagination and I  struggled a lot being able to express difficulties that were going on which I probably reflected in behavior. weird. annoying kid behavior.

But besides that, half the people in my town either taught me in primary or young women. They were even my teachers in School . So WHY even though I was weird. If you knew my family, were friends (in my mind) with them, would you act like I’ve become something to which you have no association. or something you should avoid. What is wrong with it?

I’m still me, I still see you as awesome and I’ve in some way missed you, and always held you in high regard why are you being a-holes to me now? ..

There have been Multiple people from my old town who I’ve either run into here in Utah County, who avoid me. Or don’t acknowledge the fact I just said ” Hey! I know you, how are you doing? we grew up together. ” and Nothing.

Can I just say how gut wrenching this is?

There have been times I have congratulated some people on their wedding, or their baby who were best friends with my brother, who i’d known. Who react with an answer partially in disgust.

It is SO confusing when I’ve always had High opinions of them.

Is this just part of getting older?  If so, its infuriating. which is the Secondary emotion..

I’m chalking it up to two things 1.) this is just a different perspective than I’ve had for many years and just have to realize its different for others, and 2.) I was a weird kid so maybe it had something to do with that..

I feel like I need to apologize for who I was, but at the same time I was a child, going through child stuff.

On the other hand, I’ve also been greeted by some with Hugs and Smiles and sincere interest in my family and myself. I cannot express what this has done for me. How it has helped heal my heart from the pain I felt leaving and missing the people I grew up with.

Over the years there has been a lot of things.. and I say things because it’s of every subject- Pain, joy, indifference, fear, hope etc. which I should take into consideration for others as well.. I know people in  Bluebell have had a lot of the ‘Things’ as well.

It’s hard not to feel selfish writing this. I know everyone has their own life. I’m not saying focus on me and my family. I’m just saying wow. I guess my thoughts had been more focused on this aspect, more than those of others. I guess it’s natural i’ve focused on something I’d been struggling with and longing for. I guess this is just one of those weird realizations. and thats ok? …right?

Anyway.. I really just had to write this to kind of get it out of my mind so I can move forward again. I love to visit my old town, but I’m really learning to give it to those memories of the past.  No longer the future or present.

I still hold high regard for everyone there, Just a much different perspective on things now that the reality of it is settling in. It’s been hard to head that way as often as I would have liked because of this.

again though, gotta give it to the past and just Love it for the memories it’s had for me.

Writing this I feel such a gratitude for the people who I’ve seen since living there, who has treated me just as lovingly as they always have! Sabrina you stopping by when you saw mike and I on the bench that time and rushing to give me a hug has meant the world to me. It helped heal a lot.
Sydni, and your family- you all know how much you mean to me and always have!!

Thank you for always being there, and I mean ALWAYS. I LOVE that we can just pick up exactly where we left off!