Reflection of my Younger Self

Something that has been sticking with me the last couple weeks, has been about the difference in personality I’ve experienced throughout my life so far.

I’ve also been considering how I view the world vs. how the world sees me. More specifically, places I’ve lived and grown up. The last times I’ve been to my old hometown of Bluebell, (which yes, I consider my hometown explanation is included) it has had a huge impact on my perspective.

I realize its very different moving away from somewhere vs having someone move away.

Leaving Bluebell was very difficult for me, I loved that town. I considered it home for so many years, even while in The Netherlands, Bluebell was still a place I never really imagined that I would never return to. It was always on my mind as something never to be replaced, a true form of home and self.  I remembered everyone just as clearly as when I lived there. I gave consideration that these people grew and progressed just as I would be and had. However the feelings, opinions and thoughts, I’ve had of all these people had never changed. I held everyone in Bluebell in such high regard for so long. I never considered that their feelings toward me (and my family?) would change.

Every time I go back to bluebell its for those few that I grew up with and still love more now than I ever have. However in such a small town it’s inevitable not to run into people you know. These experiences have been somewhat heartbreaking. People I remember laughing and spending time with my family. I’ve gotten strange looks, and felt like there was a intentional barrier placed there immediately in regard to me. I don’t know where it’s come from, or why it’s there. Or if it Simply might just be the difference between moving away and having someone move away.

People I went to school with for half my life, who I saw every single day, and always remembered as awesome people, or considered friends. Refuse to acknowledge they know me.

At this time I feel like I should address the fact that I was a WEIRD kid. I was a WEIRD child. I had an extremely active imagination and I  struggled a lot being able to express difficulties that were going on which I probably reflected in behavior. weird. annoying kid behavior.

But besides that, half the people in my town either taught me in primary or young women. They were even my teachers in School . So WHY even though I was weird. If you knew my family, were friends (in my mind) with them, would you act like I’ve become something to which you have no association. or something you should avoid. What is wrong with it?

I’m still me, I still see you as awesome and I’ve in some way missed you, and always held you in high regard why are you being a-holes to me now? ..

There have been Multiple people from my old town who I’ve either run into here in Utah County, who avoid me. Or don’t acknowledge the fact I just said ” Hey! I know you, how are you doing? we grew up together. ” and Nothing.

Can I just say how gut wrenching this is?

There have been times I have congratulated some people on their wedding, or their baby who were best friends with my brother, who i’d known. Who react with an answer partially in disgust.

It is SO confusing when I’ve always had High opinions of them.

Is this just part of getting older?  If so, its infuriating. which is the Secondary emotion..

I’m chalking it up to two things 1.) this is just a different perspective than I’ve had for many years and just have to realize its different for others, and 2.) I was a weird kid so maybe it had something to do with that..

I feel like I need to apologize for who I was, but at the same time I was a child, going through child stuff.

On the other hand, I’ve also been greeted by some with Hugs and Smiles and sincere interest in my family and myself. I cannot express what this has done for me. How it has helped heal my heart from the pain I felt leaving and missing the people I grew up with.

Over the years there has been a lot of things.. and I say things because it’s of every subject- Pain, joy, indifference, fear, hope etc. which I should take into consideration for others as well.. I know people in  Bluebell have had a lot of the ‘Things’ as well.

It’s hard not to feel selfish writing this. I know everyone has their own life. I’m not saying focus on me and my family. I’m just saying wow. I guess my thoughts had been more focused on this aspect, more than those of others. I guess it’s natural i’ve focused on something I’d been struggling with and longing for. I guess this is just one of those weird realizations. and thats ok? …right?

Anyway.. I really just had to write this to kind of get it out of my mind so I can move forward again. I love to visit my old town, but I’m really learning to give it to those memories of the past.  No longer the future or present.

I still hold high regard for everyone there, Just a much different perspective on things now that the reality of it is settling in. It’s been hard to head that way as often as I would have liked because of this.

again though, gotta give it to the past and just Love it for the memories it’s had for me.

Writing this I feel such a gratitude for the people who I’ve seen since living there, who has treated me just as lovingly as they always have! Sabrina you stopping by when you saw mike and I on the bench that time and rushing to give me a hug has meant the world to me. It helped heal a lot.
Sydni, and your family- you all know how much you mean to me and always have!!

Thank you for always being there, and I mean ALWAYS. I LOVE that we can just pick up exactly where we left off!

 

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The Scarlet Letter

I’ve Finished my first self assigned book.

It is probably uncommon that anyone hasn’t read this book, but since I hadn’t there are likely others who haven’t either. Because of this I won’t write the plot or give away the contents of the book. However if you are interested and would like to know here is a surface explanation of the book.¬†The Scarlet Letter Summary.

I definitely feel as though I’ve grown from reading this book. It was incredibly interesting, and kept me reading without difficulty.

The emotions and feelings in this book are so important for people to understand. I feel as though anyone who reads it would greatly benefit from it. My own personal feelings about the struggles and themes within the book, give great insight to the human heart and mind under the circumstances.

It explored the feelings of guilt, shame, strength, burden. Exploring these feelings helped me to explore the same within myself. What is causing them as well as how I could or can view them in relation to today’s world and trials. -What value I still have as a woman who is imperfect, It gave confirmation to where my trials will help me have so much to offer for another who struggles as I have similarly, or had; and needs an understanding heart.

it also gave me great insight to the need for belief that we as humans have, and how destructive guilt can be when allowed. The need for relief from those feelings. as well as when offered how it alters our perceptions.

Though I’ve never had the same circumstances or genre as Hester Prynne had, I can relate to the emotion of it somewhere in the depths of empathy in my soul. Something that hasn’t been awakened in such a long time. I feel like this is yet another important reason to let myself be drawn into books. I can see it being beneficial to feeling the feelings and consequences other books will give me. To develop, to ¬†feel the depths of the Human soul.I can only imagine that there are so many feelings i’m unfamiliar with or have never felt before. I can see and imagine how necessary this is to have.

How exciting!

All in all, I highly recommend The Scarlet Letter.

It gives the reader insight to feelings of sin, guilt, insight to legalism, belief and how it was perceived at that time.

The writer definitely gave thorough description of these feelings with way of his words in a manner I would have never been able to understand had I not read it. It was impressive to me, part of what drew me to continue reading.

Good job Nathaniel Hawthorne. That was awesome!, Thank you!

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The Start of Everything New

I‘ve decided to start this blog to share thoughts I have, dreams, and to exercise my ability to express. To possibly create a better way of communication in my life.

I’m about to start a new job in a week about which I am hoping is the launch of my career. I’m also going back to school in January which I will need some prep for, but i’m excited and Nervous and everything else in between that.

It’s a strange thing how life works and how the mind accepts things.- My husband and I are both older and will be graduating college much later than the average student around here. late 20’s may not seem like that big of a deal but for some reason it seems like two milestones too close together. Almost 30 and graduation.. but oh well the degree is most important for the knowledge self worth of attaining that degree and achieving what you’ve achieved in the time that you’ve been given.  Mike will be graduating in Computer Science in Spring 2018, and I’m not sure when i’ll be finishing up my school. As i’m still in the beginnings of it. so somewhere around age 30-32 i’m estimating? Considering how slow I will need to go with the challenges of some classes as well as working full time.

I changed my major to Business Management. I’m definitely nervous about some of the classes that will be required but I have more faith in myself than before hence changing my major even though it’s more difficult.

Some of my goals to continue to develop myself is to read books that I’ve never had the opportunity to read. Classics that most have read throughout high school or books that have become common knowledge.

I’ve decided to start reading them so I know more of what others know and honestly, after starting with the scarlet letter, how it is written -how the feelings of that time are described- its no wonder how books have helped shape a culture.

So that is pretty exciting, at first it was really difficult to read. I haven’t read a real book since before my mission I think. Mostly just self help books or random articles. It feels a little refreshing, like i’m doing my brain good. I feel like reading the well known books of the times will be a huge favor to myself developmentally.

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