Long Break

I recently got approved at work for some time off.  It has been a much needed opportunity. Things have been so crazy the last 4 years, running non stop 100 Miles per hour. Changes mentally and physically. Preparing mentally and financially for new changes as well, Like Michael graduating this fall semester. He is so busy, lots of projects and requirements he’s been working to meet- And he’s handling it like a champ! Every semester has a dip usually around finals of course but he is handling this one with enthusiasm and at a fast pace instead its pretty great to see. Either that or he’s gotten really good at hiding it lol.

This past year though has taken a huge toll on my mental health(and physical I guess I can say. 60+ lbs in 1 year). I figure it was worth a request for some time. I’m so glad it’s been approved and I can now take my additional 2 and a half weeks.

Lots of changes happening, personally some new things i’m going to be trying and doing.

The last 4 days I’ve finally starting to do things like I used to be able to. Things that have recently been diminished or non existent. Like cooking and cleaning, reading, doing things I always had enjoyed and always did but never have time anymore to do.

So I made a list of things I’ll be doing in this time off.

#1 Definitely purging all the unnecessary clutter and junk out of my house.

Work on some projects that I had started but never finished. Blankets etc.

I totally would be a minimalist if it were completely up to me. Mike and I have different relationships with items hanging around, or ideas of what to do with them. Example: Mike wants to fix everything, I however feel like if the receiver is broken and first/second attempt at fixing it was not working we should chuck it into the dumpster.

Mike got a book from his work at Christmas called essential-ism which I might want to read while chucking things.
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Our old things that we never use, old laptops that parts haven’t yet been taken from- for the past 3 years, chances are its not gonna happen.

Clothes that I haven’t worn in 1-3 years still in my closet, shoes I never wear, decor I never use. its all taking up space and it makes me feel uptight.

Other things on this list are forcing myself to relax, read books, along with learning new things like Yoga which should be fun- hard I think, but it might be hugely beneficial to my current and future mental health.

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I’m trying to focus on letting go of not just physical things but mental and emotional as well, because it’s not helping me any by holding onto thoughts that only give me grief or fear. -Which I am hoping is where the yoga will help. A super awesome friend on Saturday is showing me a place- I’m pretty stoked!

I feel like if I can acquire the habit of letting things go myself and my husband as well will be better off.

Anyway, Yesterday we did some barbecuing with some friends, it was great! -again something I in recent times would never do. Either because i’m too anxious to get it all together and invite people over or because i’m crazy busy. It was so nice not to have to think and just do it and enjoy! Also going to the gym since I’ve been off  has been super great. which reminds me i’ll be back on my super hangry blog giving updates as well as a log of my progress for myself but feel free to follow along. http://www.superhangry.wordpress.com

Other than all this I am just so glad the weather has gotten better! There really is nothing better in the mornings than having your windows wide open and hearing the birds. I love it! Spring and summer give SO much hope and so much relief I hope they are both as long as I felt the winter was this past year.

Anyway that’s it 🙂

WINTER

I’m now on the train on my way to work. Thinking that I should take a minute to post. 

I’ve been trying to read a tale of two cities but it is so hard because every word is something I don’t understand hardly. I definitely want to read it but I may replace it with a different book first. As I have a whole stack next to my bed. All classics, waiting to be read. 

I’m so excited I set that goal for myself I feel like it is so important for me to do. To read books that I otherwise would have read had I been through high school.

Work is going well, home life is really good too!

I’m learning to control my binge eating habits which has been such a great feeling! Hopefully it will result in some weight loss.

Life is great! 

Saturday we saw the stained glass display at UVU. It is absolutely gorgeous and so worth seeing! I caught a few pic’s but nothing detailed just the display in general.

We didn’t even know about it we just saw it on our pokedate. (Pokemon go) and uvu has a lot of things and variety so…it was a nice surprise!!

That’s kind of it for now. Winter is cold but nice in its own way.  Christmas is coming which is always a great time of year. 🙂  I love it. Also here is a cute picture of dexter being adventurous under the tree 🙂 

Moving along..


Before I continue, I want to take time to thank our veterans. I’m thankful for the freedoms I have and their willingness to serve. Thank you veterans! Specifically my grandpa, ( air force) my dad,(air force) my brother Ray (Navy) and brother in law Rob (Navy).

I’m now 30 days away from my 90 day trial time at work is finished So far work is great! I really do enjoy the job. I realize now why the benefits are so good haha. It can definitely get complicated and crazy. But all in all I enjoy it. Sometimes it is hard to be on phones all day,- every day, but it is a great job with great people.

In other news, I voted for the first time in my life on Election day. It felt good, surprisingly there were no lines to wait for, especially going in straight after work at 5:30. I was impressed!      The outcome of the election has had a huge impact on everyone both positively and negatively. I wont get into too much political talk. I think its personal to everyone, but I definitely have my opinions. I’m pleased about the election and have a lot of hope and faith in the changes to come. Time will tell us for sure. 

Mike is working hard at school, and I’m trying to pull myself together as usual. 

When I say that, pulling myself together, I think I mean my state of mind. State of mind is a powerful thing. 

It is SO hard to stop certain thought patterns after years. 

I’m noticing it more and more the older I get. I also notice a lot of things about myself that are incorrect. Maybe there is some millennial entitlement in there? Feeling like I need to have things just happen with ease. Giving the illusion that life doesn’t need to be about hard work. It doesn’t feel OK. These beliefs about things will be the death of me. 
I don’t want my kids to learn to think this way of thinking or to feel this way. we’re not even close to having kids yet, but I know that change of false belief starts with me. I want myself to be responsible and realize nothing is free all is earned. 
I notice it with my health I feel like I wait and wait and wait like i’m ENTITLED to a big moment of ”oh man look at how I let myself go! i’m gonna drastically change my life now because its smacking me so hard in the face!” when- that’s not gonna happen. 
The change I want, is not even that moment, the change I want is through hard work. I’m not entitled to that, what have I done to be able to earn anything? besides the feelings of exhaustion, sickness, no energy. Nothing, THAT is what I’ve worked for in this regard. If I worked for anything it was just to make it harder on myself and more difficult on myself later. 
I’m not feeling inadequate at all, so please do not think that. I’m definitely not beating myself up, I feel great and I feel so empowered to know that I have been in control the whole time. That I still am. 
This isn’t going to be the blog of ” oh and NOW i’m gonna change my life” but its simply a recognition of the fact that yeah all these problems I feel I have. They are self caused and can be self cured. 
The sleep Apnea, they want me to get a Cpap machine after having taken the sleep test. However I feel inside that If i lose weight it will help greatly.
 I feel so much better after cutting caffeine out completely for the past 3 weeks. I feel like I’m not so out of breath. I don’t know if that has anything to do with caffeine or not but I feel a lot better and I don’t pass out the minute my head touches the pillow like it was. I actually have a few mins that I can stay awake which hasn’t happened in such a long time. I’d say over a year. It surprises Mike lately when he realizes i’m still awake. 
So instead of placing the blame anywhere else, situational, on others, on timing whatever it is. I’m owning it, I’m overweight because I’ve made bad decisions on how to deal with my emotions. 

I want to be honest with myself and I want to take the responsibility so that I also can own the responsibility as I start to make better decisions. Those will be mine, no one can take that and it can’t be discredited even in my head if I were to try.
Being in an obese status is not fun. no really. its really really not. ….really. 
 I really don’t like the way I feel. How tired I feel or how useless I feel in a sense. It really is a physical thing hitting me in all other areas. I really feel like this owning up to myself thing is really starting to and going to be a tool for me. giving me empowerment to make better decisions. I think at some point I can really start to feel proud of myself. 

Honestly all I really wanted to blog about besides an update is just what a struggle this is. It is extremely difficult to get out of set perspectives. it’s something I definitely want the most. ( Changing my perspective not the weight-loss.) would this mean creating new pathways in my brain? Because that sounds like a fresh start!
 No rush. But one day at a time right?

The weather for November has been SO beautiful. I haven’t needed anything but a light sweater at all, it doesn’t feel like Christmas is coming but maybe after we put up decorations? Which might happen this weekend 🙂 

My desire to decorate clean or whatever though is being super effected by my physical state. no joke. I had NO clue how my weight and how I’ve been taking care of myself would have such an enormous impact. On my thoughts, moods, feelings everything. It is insane, and intense, crazy, shocking, kinda heavy, but wow. It’s not what I expected. 

I have a hard time wanting to do anything. It’s not even depression (believe me- I KNOW depression. THIS is NOT it) its purely physical effecting my mental and emotional state. so i’m excited to be working out of this state into a much better one. 

Final,Family,Sleep,& Bangs.

Well, I passed the final!
I’ve been meaning to write that for weeks now.
I passed with a 97% all round.
The mentoring period at work is also coming to a close. We’ve been put out on the floor now to go at it alone. Kind of scary but I find comfort in the fact that they’re ok with me asking things if I’m unsure.

I’m really, really excited about this new challenge though! This work so far seems to be something that can always be worked on. I love the fact that they keep track of personal stats, I get so competitive with myself I really the challenge of improvement.

General conference was also last weekend. we enjoyed having the chance to listen this time around. I really liked the talk from Russel M. Nelson. A lot had also been mentioned by more than one speaker of the dangers of things that are found about our religion out of context. It was interesting.

Man, I should have blogged sooner. I’m realizing I do have a lot to tell!

I went to the doctor and it was revealed that I have Sleep Apnea. Which totally explains why I have been increasingly more and more tired. It also explains why I fall asleep randomly. ( which has been the most frustrating infuriating thing!) I have a sleep test scheduled that is coming up soon. The sleep test, My doctor said, will let them know how it needs to be resolved. my tongue and structure in my throat is blocking my air when I relax at night stopping my REM sleep. This sleep apnea can be resolved either through getting my tonsils out, a cpap machine, or Jaw Surgery. Part of me is hoping  maybe I can get my orthodontist and the sleep apnea people to team up and do the jaw surgery and get two birds with one stone lol. (since the Orthodontist keeps recommending jaw surgery.) My doctor recommended to keep going to the gym, as weight loss won’t do anything but help the situation. I’ll keep all that info updated.

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um?… Air please?

Another huge change, — I got bangs, which I haven’t had since second grade. I’m actually liking them, I haven’t found them to be as annoying as I had expected. It’s definitely a huge change! The first 24 hrs was kind of Identity Crisis-y for me. It’s out of character for me to do something drastic in that way on a spur of the moment thing. but its proven to be worth it! I feel really great!

BANGS!

This week we’ve also had the opportunity to visit with my cousin Kevin from the Netherlands. He’s come out for a few weeks to visit, I’m so glad that he did! I love that I feel that I can communicate with him. Especially in Dutch, all those that know me knew how uncomfortable I was with that language for the longest time. Probably the majority of my time in the Netherlands. But since that moment of acceptance that I posted about earlier, It definitely feels like a part of me. It’s not perfect, my accent definitely isn’t perfect, but I feel like I can be myself entirely. Which is so refreshing. there is no better feeling that feeling comfortable with yourself, in your skin.

Need to get the pictures Kevin took of him and I,  until then here Is Kevin with my Mom 🙂

I love my family 🙂

As for the rest, things are going good! Mike is pushing through school and work, It’s been a really rough semester. Unbelievable obstacles. But- one more year.. one more year..
He is doing so well. I am so proud of him!
He has been kind of hard on himself this semester. too hard on himself. Its difficult to watch that kind of self torture when on the other side I see all of the amazing things he does and am blown away by his capabilities!
I’m a really lucky wife. Really blessed with the man I got, how hard working he is. He really works to do the best at everything that is in front of him. I can’t say how much I admire it, or how it pushes me in my own sphere to do better.

I got’s an awesome husband 🙂

The Husband ( man.. those eyes!)
And! The husband 3D printed me a rose 🙂 with the printer he built… with his own hands. yeah,.. I’ll brag about it. He’s so awesome 🙂

Well I think that’s all I currently have for an update.
Expect more in the next few days- Tomorrow, my 4 years home from my mission,                          Wednesday 7 years to the day since I met Michael 🙂 such sweet memories!

The Final

Today is the final at work.

It will determine if I have a job or not. Sufficient to say, I’m nervous. I’ve been studying but I still expect there to be some shockers in the test that will derail my confidence. I fell asleep studying my flashcards yesterday, and dreamed about some of the terms and conditions so.. maybe it’s sticking in my memory?

However on the bright side of things, it’s Autumn!

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The weather here has changed drastically the last couple of days. We even had a tornado up north in Weber County. I’m grateful I didn’t read of people being hurt. There has been so many people without power there though. And in Roosevelt a lot of Flooding. The night before last it went from silence to a complete downpour it was so loud it had startled me. It’s great for the desert we live in, I just hope if the weather keeps being as changing as it is, that we’re prepared.

I need to get some food storage in. It’s hard to do when you’re students but with this potential new income, (I say potential because i’m terrified I wont have a job after today.) It may be possible.

I don’t know if I’m just noticing natural disasters more now just because I’m choosing to be more aware or if they have increased in frequency and number.

so between all this, (And the Walking Dead)

we should probably get prepared. even if it’s one can, blanket, candle at a time.

Because you never really do know when it can happen without notice!

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New Hire Training

Monday I started my new job. So far it has been really intense. The training is the hardest Training I’ve ever had with any position. -And I’ve had a lot of jobs.

The atmosphere of the company though is something that I really like. It is a very proactive company, which it has to be with the nature of the work.

During training there are two tests. The Midterm and the Final. I took the midterm yesterday and the Final is upcoming Friday. In order to keep your job you must pass with at least 80% . Which would normally be no problem, however there is A LOT to remember. of course it is closed book. It makes sense since they want you prepared right out of training to start on the phones. Good thing training is 6 weeks.

I’m nervous about the final but If I keep up with the flashcards I should be OK.

This is the reason its been a while since I last did any entry, the new schedule though it is normal it differs so much from my old schedule it seems like there is so much less time!

But I am definitely excited for this new career path, and all it has to offer!!

 

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Reflection of my Younger Self

Something that has been sticking with me the last couple weeks, has been about the difference in personality I’ve experienced throughout my life so far.

I’ve also been considering how I view the world vs. how the world sees me. More specifically, places I’ve lived and grown up. The last times I’ve been to my old hometown of Bluebell, (which yes, I consider my hometown explanation is included) it has had a huge impact on my perspective.

I realize its very different moving away from somewhere vs having someone move away.

Leaving Bluebell was very difficult for me, I loved that town. I considered it home for so many years, even while in The Netherlands, Bluebell was still a place I never really imagined that I would never return to. It was always on my mind as something never to be replaced, a true form of home and self.  I remembered everyone just as clearly as when I lived there. I gave consideration that these people grew and progressed just as I would be and had. However the feelings, opinions and thoughts, I’ve had of all these people had never changed. I held everyone in Bluebell in such high regard for so long. I never considered that their feelings toward me (and my family?) would change.

Every time I go back to bluebell its for those few that I grew up with and still love more now than I ever have. However in such a small town it’s inevitable not to run into people you know. These experiences have been somewhat heartbreaking. People I remember laughing and spending time with my family. I’ve gotten strange looks, and felt like there was a intentional barrier placed there immediately in regard to me. I don’t know where it’s come from, or why it’s there. Or if it Simply might just be the difference between moving away and having someone move away.

People I went to school with for half my life, who I saw every single day, and always remembered as awesome people, or considered friends. Refuse to acknowledge they know me.

At this time I feel like I should address the fact that I was a WEIRD kid. I was a WEIRD child. I had an extremely active imagination and I  struggled a lot being able to express difficulties that were going on which I probably reflected in behavior. weird. annoying kid behavior.

But besides that, half the people in my town either taught me in primary or young women. They were even my teachers in School . So WHY even though I was weird. If you knew my family, were friends (in my mind) with them, would you act like I’ve become something to which you have no association. or something you should avoid. What is wrong with it?

I’m still me, I still see you as awesome and I’ve in some way missed you, and always held you in high regard why are you being a-holes to me now? ..

There have been Multiple people from my old town who I’ve either run into here in Utah County, who avoid me. Or don’t acknowledge the fact I just said ” Hey! I know you, how are you doing? we grew up together. ” and Nothing.

Can I just say how gut wrenching this is?

There have been times I have congratulated some people on their wedding, or their baby who were best friends with my brother, who i’d known. Who react with an answer partially in disgust.

It is SO confusing when I’ve always had High opinions of them.

Is this just part of getting older?  If so, its infuriating. which is the Secondary emotion..

I’m chalking it up to two things 1.) this is just a different perspective than I’ve had for many years and just have to realize its different for others, and 2.) I was a weird kid so maybe it had something to do with that..

I feel like I need to apologize for who I was, but at the same time I was a child, going through child stuff.

On the other hand, I’ve also been greeted by some with Hugs and Smiles and sincere interest in my family and myself. I cannot express what this has done for me. How it has helped heal my heart from the pain I felt leaving and missing the people I grew up with.

Over the years there has been a lot of things.. and I say things because it’s of every subject- Pain, joy, indifference, fear, hope etc. which I should take into consideration for others as well.. I know people in  Bluebell have had a lot of the ‘Things’ as well.

It’s hard not to feel selfish writing this. I know everyone has their own life. I’m not saying focus on me and my family. I’m just saying wow. I guess my thoughts had been more focused on this aspect, more than those of others. I guess it’s natural i’ve focused on something I’d been struggling with and longing for. I guess this is just one of those weird realizations. and thats ok? …right?

Anyway.. I really just had to write this to kind of get it out of my mind so I can move forward again. I love to visit my old town, but I’m really learning to give it to those memories of the past.  No longer the future or present.

I still hold high regard for everyone there, Just a much different perspective on things now that the reality of it is settling in. It’s been hard to head that way as often as I would have liked because of this.

again though, gotta give it to the past and just Love it for the memories it’s had for me.

Writing this I feel such a gratitude for the people who I’ve seen since living there, who has treated me just as lovingly as they always have! Sabrina you stopping by when you saw mike and I on the bench that time and rushing to give me a hug has meant the world to me. It helped heal a lot.
Sydni, and your family- you all know how much you mean to me and always have!!

Thank you for always being there, and I mean ALWAYS. I LOVE that we can just pick up exactly where we left off!