Moving along..

Before I continue, I want to take time to thank our veterans. I’m thankful for the freedoms I have and their willingness to serve. Thank you veterans! Specifically my grandpa, ( air force) my dad,(air force) my brother Ray (Navy) and brother in law Rob (Navy).

I’m now 30 days away from my 90 day trial time at work is finished So far work is great! I really do enjoy the job. I realize now why the benefits are so good haha. It can definitely get complicated and crazy. But all in all I enjoy it. Sometimes it is hard to be on phones all day,- every day, but it is a great job with great people.

In other news, I voted for the first time in my life on Election day. It felt good, surprisingly there were no lines to wait for, especially going in straight after work at 5:30. I was impressed!      The outcome of the election has had a huge impact on everyone both positively and negatively. I wont get into too much political talk. I think its personal to everyone, but I definitely have my opinions. I’m pleased about the election and have a lot of hope and faith in the changes to come. Time will tell us for sure. 

Mike is working hard at school, and I’m trying to pull myself together as usual. 

When I say that, pulling myself together, I think I mean my state of mind. State of mind is a powerful thing. 

It is SO hard to stop certain thought patterns after years. 

I’m noticing it more and more the older I get. I also notice a lot of things about myself that are incorrect. Maybe there is some millennial entitlement in there? Feeling like I need to have things just happen with ease. Giving the illusion that life doesn’t need to be about hard work. It doesn’t feel OK. These beliefs about things will be the death of me. 
I don’t want my kids to learn to think this way of thinking or to feel this way. we’re not even close to having kids yet, but I know that change of false belief starts with me. I want myself to be responsible and realize nothing is free all is earned. 
I notice it with my health I feel like I wait and wait and wait like i’m ENTITLED to a big moment of ”oh man look at how I let myself go! i’m gonna drastically change my life now because its smacking me so hard in the face!” when- that’s not gonna happen. 
The change I want, is not even that moment, the change I want is through hard work. I’m not entitled to that, what have I done to be able to earn anything? besides the feelings of exhaustion, sickness, no energy. Nothing, THAT is what I’ve worked for in this regard. If I worked for anything it was just to make it harder on myself and more difficult on myself later. 
I’m not feeling inadequate at all, so please do not think that. I’m definitely not beating myself up, I feel great and I feel so empowered to know that I have been in control the whole time. That I still am. 
This isn’t going to be the blog of ” oh and NOW i’m gonna change my life” but its simply a recognition of the fact that yeah all these problems I feel I have. They are self caused and can be self cured. 
The sleep Apnea, they want me to get a Cpap machine after having taken the sleep test. However I feel inside that If i lose weight it will help greatly.
 I feel so much better after cutting caffeine out completely for the past 3 weeks. I feel like I’m not so out of breath. I don’t know if that has anything to do with caffeine or not but I feel a lot better and I don’t pass out the minute my head touches the pillow like it was. I actually have a few mins that I can stay awake which hasn’t happened in such a long time. I’d say over a year. It surprises Mike lately when he realizes i’m still awake. 
So instead of placing the blame anywhere else, situational, on others, on timing whatever it is. I’m owning it, I’m overweight because I’ve made bad decisions on how to deal with my emotions. 

I want to be honest with myself and I want to take the responsibility so that I also can own the responsibility as I start to make better decisions. Those will be mine, no one can take that and it can’t be discredited even in my head if I were to try.
Being in an obese status is not fun. no really. its really really not. ….really. 
 I really don’t like the way I feel. How tired I feel or how useless I feel in a sense. It really is a physical thing hitting me in all other areas. I really feel like this owning up to myself thing is really starting to and going to be a tool for me. giving me empowerment to make better decisions. I think at some point I can really start to feel proud of myself. 

Honestly all I really wanted to blog about besides an update is just what a struggle this is. It is extremely difficult to get out of set perspectives. it’s something I definitely want the most. ( Changing my perspective not the weight-loss.) would this mean creating new pathways in my brain? Because that sounds like a fresh start!
 No rush. But one day at a time right?

The weather for November has been SO beautiful. I haven’t needed anything but a light sweater at all, it doesn’t feel like Christmas is coming but maybe after we put up decorations? Which might happen this weekend 🙂 

My desire to decorate clean or whatever though is being super effected by my physical state. no joke. I had NO clue how my weight and how I’ve been taking care of myself would have such an enormous impact. On my thoughts, moods, feelings everything. It is insane, and intense, crazy, shocking, kinda heavy, but wow. It’s not what I expected. 

I have a hard time wanting to do anything. It’s not even depression (believe me- I KNOW depression. THIS is NOT it) its purely physical effecting my mental and emotional state. so i’m excited to be working out of this state into a much better one. 


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